I can't relate to that woman now. It's definitely only since loss. Hearing my friends have their own experiences of loss since is what prompted me to get back on facebook. Every time I said I'd stay off of there, I would get contacted by someone going through something so horrible, I felt like I should at least be on there, since they all were, and gave support on everything I posted. But, I can't stand it. I love reading and connecting to people on there, but I hate, hate, hate the exposure. I can't put it exactly into words, it just feels very unsafe. When he passed away, I saw a random comment someone posted on a friends wall. Asking, how could it happen if we were watching him. It all began there. I feel I see it in the faces of new parents. I feel everyone who hears my name is thinking it. I know this isn't normal, but I would have been fine if no one even knew I had a new baby. I couldn't get the words out "I'm pregnant" to anyone except for three close friends. I can't even express my emotions on it, or give a reason. I wanted my family to be some secret, far hidden away from being open to judgments made by anyone.
I miscarried one year after, approximately. It was the week of his birthday. It pushed me even further into my illusion of a private safe haven: off the internet, and in my house. But, my social children, always drove me back out into public.
There was a popular article circulating on facebook for a while about drowning. I remember thinking "please, don't keep sharing it".. but, it was a very good article, and it's not up to other people to not post information just because it might be a trigger for someone. The hard part of this was thinking "every parent understands pool safety, understands that a child isn't going to be screaming for help while drowning, don't they?" hence, life jackets, never taking your eye off of them. Drowning accidents happen because something out of the ordinary happened. So, I assumed people posted it, thinking that this only happens because of negligence, and my own guilt was already too much for me. "Didn't that person tell me they frequently leave their kids in the car unattended? " you see where this unhealthy mentality was going .. No, I never would have sat in judgment of them. The article played with my mind in ways I thought I was over. It's amazing how five minutes now defines my parenting. It was so hard afterward to hear of what people complained of. at the same time, the Lord has taken away 90% of this guilt. It was overpowering, life altering, crippling. I'm so thankful so much of it is gone. And, the trauma. I thought I'd never look at another pool. I knew this was going to be a challenge with Micah loving it so much, and it being one activity where all of his sensory needs are filled. I prayed and asked the Lord to take away the trauma, and he was faithful to do that.
The mommy world, particularly mommy blogs (where the focus is really just on mommy-hood).. I'll avoid that world for a while. In the beginning, I get it.. I get the idealism, I get the competitiveness of it. If there is anything we want to be the best at in life, isn't it this?? I just want to get as far away from it as possible. If my life passes and fades away, my desire is to have as few people as possible even know I was hear. I don't want to tell my story, I don't want them to know my childrens names. I want to leave as little blip on the radar as humanely possible. So then, why am I on the internet? Why do I still post things that make me ravenously angry, or inquisitive? I don't know. I could easily vent without posting it. It's a funny world isn't it? Where, if it's in a diary, not leaving a cyber trail, it didn't happen?